Dearest NPF4

Since I wrote a letter to M it's only fair I do the same for her bro. Bare with me.

NPF4-

June 7, 2012 at 5:30 pm when I was 12 weeks pregnant with you I started crying and I've never really stopped. I'm crying right now. There is something about you sweet little Nicholas that always brings me to tears.  Tears of happiness, fear, joy and unending worry. I'm not even sure I can write this - my eyes are overflowing already.  Ugh.

For the first 22 days of your life I would visit you everyday in the NICU or Special Care Nursery. I would cry every single time. Some days I would cry so much I couldn't catch my breath. I would stare at you and feel so many emotions. Other days I cried because I was relieved you were finally here with me.  And some days I would just cry because I couldn't bare to see you with a feeding tube or when you would forget how to breathe and all the machines would beep. I always felt a little crazy because I don't really think anyone understood why I was so emotional. After all, I was the lucky one. At one point you were sharing a room with another baby boy born weighing just over a pound.  Well, I cried for him and his parents too. At the time in my head it was the worst possible thing in the world. I had a baby.  He was early. He forgets to breathe. Looking back now, I was just scared. So incredibly scared. I wouldn't take back a single tear from the past 15 months for this simple fact: you are worth it.  So worth it.

I read your early intervention reports every week and cry. I read them over and over. I cry because I'm proud and happy you're doing so well.  I'm excited about the progress you've made and continue to make. I look forward to the future and all that it holds for you. I mostly look forward to the day you start talking. I can't wait to hear you express yourself and to hear you say that you love me or when you finally yell at M for her constant abuse.

Okay, enough with the crying.

I love your dad and sister with every ounce of my being but when you came into this world I swear I was so overwhelmed with love it hurt.  I never ever thought I could love someone so much.  I don't know the first thing about being a mom; your mom. What I do know is how to love you and feed you fatty foods so you can gain some weight.

NPF4 you are a fighter.  You came into this word fighting and you are still fighting but only now with your sister. I love your T-Rex stride, your annoyingly loud cry, your cute little good-bye wave, I even love that you're so proud of yourself when you climb the stairs despite the fact that you shouldn't be. Sometimes I even love when you throw your food on the ground but it ends up getting stuck in the dog's hair before it hits the floor. I love your fierceness and feistiness cause it reminds me of a gal I know.

You are enamored with your big sister. You are like M in many ways but mostly in that you have an immense love for life.  She is forever your protector and you her sidekick.  M is the first to tell others that you are her brother and she'll be the first to push you down when you steal her toys.  It's okay, she means well. I promise.

I'm not sure I can put into words how much you've changed me and how much I've learned about myself because of you. I am stronger for you and because of you.   I've learned more from you in the fifteen short months you've been in my life than I have in my last 34 years. I can only hope I teach you as much in your lifetime as you've already taught me.

NPF4 you are magnificent and truly a blessing. Thank you for being you. Because of you our family is complete; I am complete.

XOX
Mama